Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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