We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
