Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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