I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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