i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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