I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Rumble strips road head = magical
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
