I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
