i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
