how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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