Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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