dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
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