no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
