Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
please come you make the beer taste better
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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