I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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