I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
