Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
