i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
