Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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