I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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