Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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