my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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