u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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