I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
