hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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