Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was born a porn star she said
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
