i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You need Xanax blowdarts
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
