Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
