I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
