I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
