4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.