sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.