we have officially lost it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night