Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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