Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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