I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
