I wish I could punch you in the face.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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