i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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