my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
