Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
