yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
