...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
