U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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