He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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