evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
