I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
