i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
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i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
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Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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