Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize