by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
