there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
