you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
