after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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