I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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