i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
