he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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