So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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