is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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